From Xbox to IMAX

Film adaptations of computer games are traditionally the territory of big Hollywood production companies, but with so many ideas now making the jump from console to celluloid even the independents are starting to take interest. Unfortunately the change of format often leaves more than a little to be desired.

A sequel to the 2006 film Silent Hill, based on the survival horror game of the same name, is currently being developed by Warner Independent. The first instalment in the series received a poor critical reception, and IndieNational’s own editor walked out of the cinema after just 20 minutes of its nonsensical storytelling. Peter Bradshaw at The Guardian described its length, at just over two hours, as “testicle shrinking”, and gave it just one star out of a possible five. Arguably the most fun was had by vandals who defaced the sinister, mouthless girl on the film’s posters, adding smiley faces and vampire fangs to lighten the mood.

Back in the mainstream, 20^th Century Fox are planning a film based on EA Games’s hugely popular The Sims. The project will be a live-action drama scripted by Brian Lynch, whose dubious credentials include a walk-on role as a shopper in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and dialogue for the unsavoury-sounding Aunt Fanny’s Tour of Booty.

With dozens of similar projects lined up for release in the coming years, we can look forward to plenty more mediocre offerings that fail to do justice to the games that inspired them. However, there is an obvious solution to this crippling problem. Rather than producing films based on best-selling games that leave legions of fans disappointed, why not start with a game that has no redeeming features whatsoever – a game that could not possibly be made any worse through translation to the big screen.

I refer, of course, to Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing – widely regarded as the worst game ever released due to its complete lack of story and a series of bugs that rendered it unplayable.

The film would be a disaster movie and would be perfect for a low-budget production as one of its two characters could be played by a mannequin (or, failing that, Hayden Christensen). After some ill-defined accident, our hero – let’s call him Mister – awakes to find himself strapped into the cab of a truck. Unable to escape from his bonds, he notices another vehicle alongside his and a line painted across the road. Clearly some kind of race is afoot, so he turns the key and steps on the accelerator. His opponent, however, fails to move and remains sitting perfectly still, hands on the wheel, dead eyes staring into the middle distance. Distracted, Mister veers off the road and directly into a tree. He braces himself for the impact, but nothing happens – his vehicle passes through the bark and foliage without a scratch.

By now our hero is really rattled. He decides to try talking to the immobile driver and puts his truck into reverse, only to realise that something is terribly, terribly wrong. Travelling backwards, his truck accelerates faster and faster until suddenly it shoots off the end of reality and hangs there, twisting uselessly in a gaping grey void.

Any interested producers shouldn’t hesitate to get in touch – this is going to be big.